Michael flinched away from the spray of crumbs but put a comforting hand on Gob’s knee. “I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. Maybe it’ll go better next time. If there’s anything I can do—”
“I can stay here?” Gob asked hopefully.
“—Except that,” Michael finished.
Hee! And I am LOVING the little voiceover moments -- I've always felt that this would be a nearly impossible fandom to replicate because of those, but you did it splendidly. Like this:
Gob had indeed ‘lost the couch’. The living room, already located on a sinkhole of unmanaged waste, had been hurried in its decent by the weight of Gob’s tossing and turning and the entire corner of the living room had gone from merely unstable to nonexistent.
... is hilarious. Along with the entire rest of the story. I love it.
I found a couple of editorial oopsies, if you want to tidy it up. I think there might be a word or two missing from this: “But at least she packed my stuff up instead of throwing out on the lawn like last one.” And there's an apostrophe missing here: Plus, he really enjoyed his brothers attention. This has a double negative: “I don’t feel that women aren’t toys to be replaced, Michael—”, and It’s going to smell like your aftershave is missing a quotation mark at the end. Missing word: “How you like to buy your hero dinner?” Gob asked.
I hope you keep writing in this fandom, because I certainly enjoyed this excursion :)
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regna
(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-08 06:54 am (UTC)Michael flinched away from the spray of crumbs but put a comforting hand on Gob’s knee. “I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. Maybe it’ll go better next time. If there’s anything I can do—”
“I can stay here?” Gob asked hopefully.
“—Except that,” Michael finished.
Hee! And I am LOVING the little voiceover moments -- I've always felt that this would be a nearly impossible fandom to replicate because of those, but you did it splendidly. Like this:
Gob had indeed ‘lost the couch’. The living room, already located on a sinkhole of unmanaged waste, had been hurried in its decent by the weight of Gob’s tossing and turning and the entire corner of the living room had gone from merely unstable to nonexistent.
... is hilarious. Along with the entire rest of the story. I love it.
I found a couple of editorial oopsies, if you want to tidy it up. I think there might be a word or two missing from this: “But at least she packed my stuff up instead of throwing out on the lawn like last one.” And there's an apostrophe missing here: Plus, he really enjoyed his brothers attention. This has a double negative: “I don’t feel that women aren’t toys to be replaced, Michael—”, and It’s going to smell like your aftershave is missing a quotation mark at the end. Missing word: “How you like to buy your hero dinner?” Gob asked.
I hope you keep writing in this fandom, because I certainly enjoyed this excursion :)